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hangover-2Hello my dears, well it’s day three in 2014 and it finds me sick! Looking stunning as ever in my pajama bottoms and hoodie, with a sexy ass cough and stuffy nose! Who wouldn’t want to make me sweet love to me under these conditions?

Well, I stayed in today, didn’t go in to work. It was just me and the sexy vampires from the “Vampire Diaries.” Yes, I’m one of those. I really don’t know what it is about vampires that just draws me in. Maybe it’s because they are so damn hot, I’m so into the ones that practice chivalry, you know that have not forgotten their manners even though they’re 500 or 1000 years old. Yup, I was an Edward fan because of that very reason. Plus, he had that whole James Dean rebel look going for him, that just added to his hotness. Outside of that role, I really don’t like Patterson.

I caught up on Season 5 as I slowly unpacked. I didn’t want to clean, but seeing my apartment in such a mess really killed me and made me feel even worse.

I realized that in yesterday’s post I forgot to mention something, I think I know why I forgot to mention it. It is something that I didn’t want to admit-to myself. But I must own up to it, my balls are big enough to do this so here it goes. Yesterday, when I finally got my phone back I was a bit disappointed to see that I hadn’t received a text message from someone on NYE. From the famous ‘professor,’ some of you might not know but this man was what I considered (and probably still do) perfect. At least on paper he was. He was attractive, sweet, attentive, accomplished, spiritual, political, conscious, and best part he thought I was hot. Unfortunately, after meeting me he realized he wanted to give it another try with his estranged wife, whom he was separated from for three years. It gets better darling, he thought it okay to talk to me about it. Apparently, I was the only person he felt comfortable with when it came to talking about this stuff.  Well, fuck me!

What was I to do? I decided to be the person he had made me out to be and I encouraged him to go for it. Give it another chance, if he believed there was something still there, he should go for it. Yup, I don’t know how in the hell I got the courage to do this. But the only reason I could come up with was that I wanted him to be happy, his happiness was all that mattered to me at that very moment, even if it was with someone else.

They got back together. Good for them, but not so much for me.

cryingI was left a mess, I had fallen for this guy. Nothing physical ever happened between us, other than a kiss on my birthday. But the moments we spent together were enough to win me over; moreover, I had just broken up with the boyfriend the month before. I went from something I knew I definitely didn’t want, to someone that was everything I was looking for. I thought he was divorced, that’s what the people that knew I was interested in him told me, so I didn’t hold back. He was actually the one that told me the truth on my birthday, but by that point it was too late. Especially knowing he felt the same way I did, how could I not want something with him?

But he didn’t want to start something with me, until he had ended his old relationship. Did it dawn on me that they might get back together? No. I didn’t see that happening. He was completely smitten with me and I with him.

When my injury was acting up again and the doctor told me to slow down, I decided to pull back from the political work for a while. I thought this to be the perfect chance to finally move on and get over him.

See my friends, guys can be dicks. Not all of them and sometimes not intentionally. But they are.

It kind of does, but I still can't get enough of it!

It kind of does, but I still can’t get enough of it!

I have a gut feeling that this guy went back because of his kids, not because of anything else, but I’m not really a reliable source, I was jonesing on this guy, my opinion can’t really be trusted. However, the reason why I say this is because the guy would still talk to me as if nothing had happened, he would still flirt, and say how he missed me and what not. That really does sound pretty darn typical right? Maybe I am an idiot, but again I had never met anyone like this guy, so I chose to believe it all. I believed it, but I didn’t let him know this. I stood my ground and stayed away. But because of the work we still had to see or contact each other. Naturally, when I called it quits on the work, I told him I was taking this time to move on from him as well. He said he understood and some other crap I can’t remember right now, but that was it.

Every now and again I would send him a text, I missed him. But it didn’t go farther than a quick hello or some type of funny picture. I did send him a Christmas card, calm down! It’s Christmas everyone gets one from me, even the ex did. They probably won’t next year, but this year they did.

I was a bit sad when I didn’t get a text on Christmas from him. For some reason I had convinced myself that I would get one from him on New Year’s, I would always get messages from ghosts past, but nothing. It was a bit disappointing, but I guess it’s just more proof that we have both moved on.

I know sending someone a card might not really seem as if I’ve moved on, but I have. I realized that the Universe knew what it was doing when it parted us. Remember I said he was good on paper? Well, there is something that I think would not make him the perfect mate for me. See, when we were hanging out, there was always a question I never dared asked him because I was scared of the answer. I never asked if he wanted more children, he already has three. I knew that if he answered “no” that would brake my heart. I want kids like crazy, I think I want children more than I want a husband. See, my ex changed the story on me, he went from wanting kids to not wanting kids once we were a couple. That marked the beginning of the end for our relationship.

But the good thing is, I’ve moved on. I’m able to acknowledge the feeling and move on. I’m not going to dwell on it any longer. It is what it is and darling I got to move on!

Moving on is part of the plan for this year.

Self- love As I was undressing to take a shower, I was starting to feel a little crappy because like I mentioned in a previous post, I have gained about 500 lbs. this holiday season. So I was starting to do that ‘self-hating’ we tend to do at moments like these, but then I started remembering the curvesstares and second looks I’ve received these past few weeks. Guys at the casinos, the airport, driving, the movies, restaurants, etc. So I was like “I must not be that hideous” Just like that I started feeling sexy and attractive. For a quick minute I forgot that it’s not the size of a woman, but the confidence. I got more ass when I was bigger than when I dropped all the weight, I was pretty darn cocky when I was bigger. I still am, but I’ve downplayed it a bit. Not anymore!

Have you heard of that saying:

The world sees you as you see yourself

self love-3Well, the world is going to see a hot new me! I’m not going to go on a cleanse or hit the gym for 3 hours like I use to. Na, I’m just going to immerse myself in some self-love. The more I love myself, the better I treat myself, the more I take care of myself, the better I feel, the better I look. Easy.

self love-2

Maybe I’m caught up with all the crap happening in Mystic Falls. I mean there’s a lot happening there but yet those darn vampires and witches always look stunning! So, I’ll follow their lead. Lame, but just humor me, I’m under a crap load of cold medicine. Okay, so I got to go, going for a walk tomorrow morning around the lake and I think the Nyquil is starting to kick in, I must get some rest.

Love you sexy bitches! Good night!